Risks: Autonomy vs. Parental Control

Description

Advice to parents about how to deal with autonomy in adolescents

Learning objectives

Risk behavior

Know how to counsel parents about the relationship between emerging autonomy and risk behavior.

All parents want to do what's best for their children.

They may believe that by making their children do more homework, follow every rule, try out for sports every season, eat exactly the right foods, strictly supervise the Internet, and associate with carefully selected friends, their children will excel in life, attaining happiness for themselves and reflecting well on their parents.

It seems at first like a low-risk course of action.

Who, after all, would criticize parents for insisting that their children earn extra credit, exhibit perfect table manners, and take home the best-of-show ribbon from the science fair every year?

There are all commendable and productive activities. They're powerfully reinforced by other parents in the community.

Teachers praise children who follow all the rules. Doctors look forward to their happily uneventful annual checkups. Orchestra teachers gush over their progress, explaining that if every child practiced like they did, we'd be playing Carnegie Hall.

You're probably nodding your head right now, thinking of the children in your practice who fit the profile. The parents, you're musing, are a little older than the norm, when life's most optimistic possibilities seemed a little less easy to grasp.

They may sometimes think, maybe if I'd gotten better grades or made the varsity team, I would be so much better than I am. Imagine what my children could do if I made sure they avoided the mistakes I've made. There is a risk, in fact, in taking no risks.

It's a tough concept to sell to parents, because on the surface, it seems that children are safer never straying outside the lines. They'll certainly be safer if they never take the subway or the bus downtown to hang out with their adolescent friends. It will be less risky for them to never participate in a rugged contact sport, stay up really late, or see a PG-13 movie at age 11 or 12.

Most recently parental concerns have been directed towards control of the Internet. We've all read cautionary tales of predators who lure teens from online chants into real-life danger. Many adults, some pediatricians among them, want to pull the plug on the Internet in America's homes, or at least filter its power to expose children to an unfettered highway of information, conversation, and smut.

I've recently talked with parents who have decided never to allow Internet access in their teens' bedrooms, who've installed programs to monitor every Web site they access, or who forbid instant messaging by their children. Many insist computers must be used in public view, affording their teens little privacy. They set strict time limits on Internet use.

Certainly, some children are vulnerable to the Internet's dark side. A child having trouble with peer relationships or suffering from marked social anxiety may need more time limits online as well as attention to his or her core problems. A lonely, depressed 9-year-old may be susceptible to predators, and this vulnerability may be heightened by circumstances such as divorce or the death of a parent. Obviously, the teen who uses mom's credit card to charge $1,000 in clothes online or sends cruel messages to classmates should face suitable consequences, including loss of Internet privileges.

But people who feel the Internet is an unprecedented threat to children are likely to be overreacting. Adolescent autonomy has always put teenagers at risk, whether they're in a car, at a video rental store, or at a friend's party. When an adolescent learns to negotiate public transportation - a skill needed for college or to get to a summer job - the freedom carries with it the inherent risk of going to dangerous places or being vulnerable to adult predators.

I believe the Internet can be enormously helpful to kids. Mention an artist to a junior high kid and she'll type the name into the search engine Goggle and embark on an adventure of facts, pictures, and opinions. A fast-changing society that values self-directed, lifelong learning could hardly find a more exciting tool. To put limits on that forum for a normal kid seems to me a disservice.

What about chatting in a secret code parents don't understand? I maintain that private conversations with friends are tremendously important by age 13 or 14. Just as we may have used the phone or the corner drugstore to talk to peers, today's kids use the Internet.

Do I oppose all parental limits on the Internet? Of course not. If a parent feels more comfortable installing blocking software on a computer used by a 10- or 11-year-old, I respect that choice, but I do note that most of today's kids are so computer-savvy that they'll steer around the filters either in their home or at a friend's.

In today's society, especially in middle-class families, it's possible to create a sheltered, low-risk environment for children.

The only problem with the strategy is that it ignores a key goal of human development which is to gain autonomy. From the moment a baby is born until he enters college or moves away from home, the central theme of development is building independence and self-sufficiency.

Overcontrolling parents who protect their children from every risk may raise children who do not fully develop a strong sense of autonomy. At worst their children may never really know who they are because they grow up suppressing their own wishes in the context of fulfilling parental expectations.

And I think we've all seen examples of children who finally break loose of a too-tight grasp, become rebellious high school students looking for parties in empty homes, or find autonomy by "taking a year off" after graduating.

When I see parents in my practice who seem to be exhibiting signs of overcontrol, I gently remind them of the parent's most important task: building self-directed, independent, happy young adults.

I might point out that, age 15, perfect Paul or Jessica has but 3 years to develop all of the skills required to make good decisions in the hedonistic environment of a college dorm or singles' apartment complex. I'll ask, "What things are you doing now to help your child learn to be self-confident, to manage autonomy, to make choices and weigh consequences?"

I might ask the parents how their own parents raised them and whether they ever felt pushed. Did they resent not being able to make their own decisions? Do they feel they might have been happier or more adventuresome without such tight restrictions on their lives during childhood?

Every family has its own style, of course, and raises children accordingly.

But I do think pediatricians can offer perspective and guidance to perfection-seeking or overcontrolling parents. In general, I like to advise families to balance a strong family style by 10% in the opposite direction.

In situations of overcontrol, I ask them to consider moving decision-making 10% in the direction of autonomy, senseless fun, and child-directed control.

Hopefully, our advice will serve to make life less stressful and more exciting for over-controlled children, and maybe help their parents to relax a bit as well.

Dr Michael Jellinek is chief of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital and professor of psychiatry and of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School in Boston; he is also President of Newton Wellesley Hospital, Newton, MA